Catch and Stop

My daughter was only diagnosed a little over a week ago; although I had suspected MRKH since June 25th when she was supposed to have an hymenectomy.  Her gynecologist was unable to complete the hymenectomy because of what she found when she started the procedure.  The doctor had started to cut into what appeared to be a vaginal septum, and then realized that it was something more, and ordered an inter-op ultrasound, and the radiologist stated that it looked like a Mullerian Anomaly.  So, the doctor put in a few stitches in the place that she had cut, and stopped the procedure, and came and spoke to me.  She told me that she is not sure what was behind the septum, and wanted to order an MRI to find out.

We went home, and my daughter slept in the bed with me for nearly a week as she recovered.  During this time, we watched a lot of horror movies...not my thing, but she loves them...and spent a lot of time together.  It was not until almost a week later, once my daughter went back to her own room and had her best friends over for the weekend, that I googled "Mullerian Anomaly," and started doing some research on what this might mean for my daughter.  I suspected MRKH pretty quickly after reading about it on the Beautiful You MRKH website.  I also started to hover around my daughter quite a bit, and she did not care too much for my hovering.  After my daughter's MRI, the diagnosis of MRKH was made, and I told my daughter that she had MRKH Syndrome.  And, I kept hovering.  And, my daughter kept being annoyed.

Thankfully, I have some really close friends who are more like sisters to me, and I was talking with a one of them on the phone one night, and told her that I was pretty much stalking my daughter...making up excuses to go into her room to talk to her, asking her how she felt (a lot), and basically being a real nuisance.  My friend, who is a social worker who works with CPS, suggested that I do a daily 5 minute check in with my daughter, instead of hovering and/or stalking.  I suggested this to my daughter, and she thought it was a much better idea than me constantly stalking her, and asking her if she was okay...or even more bothersome to her, not asking her anything at all, but just staring at her, looking for signs of distress.

We started doing the daily check ins and it has relieved a lot of stress...probably for both of us.

This is how a check in usually looks:

We stand facing each other.  I put my hands on her shoulders, and we look into each others eyes.

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes.
Me: Do you need to talk about anything?
Her: Not really.
Me: Are you sure?
Her: Yes, I will let you know if I do.
Me:  Look into my eyes, and tell me.
Her:  (Laughing) I am, Mom.  I am okay.
Me:  I love your face.
Her: I love yours, too.

The conversation varies from day to day, and it is usually pretty playful.  The key part is that I touch her, and I look into her eyes, and she looks into mine.  I feel better, and I suspect that she feels freer.

Like I have said in an earlier post, I have no idea what it is like to be her; nor do I know what it is like to be diagnosed with MRKH.  I really want to honor her space to experience this as she is meant to...with minimal outside influence from me regarding how she is supposed to feel, act, and be.  I have to catch and stop myself from pushing her to talk.  I have to catch and stop myself from pushing her to experience life the way I want her to...without any suffering or sadness.  I have to catch and stop myself from trying to fix this...put a band-aid on it...hug and kiss it away...this is not something that I can take from her, no matter how much I wish I could.  Having MRKH is HER experience, and I have to catch and stop myself from wanting to take it from her so she doesn't feel any hurt, sadness, suffering or pain.  I have to catch and stop myself from doing these things because, honestly, I think my interference will only cause the things I am hoping to protect her from.

This daily check in that we are doing helps me catch and stop myself.  If I find myself really struggling to catch and stop myself, I call a close friend, or chat with a fellow mom in the support group for mothers who have daughters with MRKH.  My daughter has enough on her plate, she does not need my interference heaping on more.