Thursday, September 3, 2015

On Uterine Transplants and Grandmothers....

The new science of uterine transplants is wonderful.  How exciting that a woman who once could not carry a child within her own body, now can.  Equally uplifting are the stories about aging mothers who open their womb to carry their own grandchild.  It is satisfying to read that women who want children, but whose own bodies will not allow this, are finding ways to have children that are biologically theirs.  I am glad for mother's who are excited about these options for their daughters with MRKH...granted their daughters are also excited about these options.

Yet, a nagging thought lingers in the back of my mind whenever I read about a uterine transplant success story, or about a mother who carries her daughter's child.  While my daughter is only 15, I am pretty certain that she will not be one of the women with MRKH who opts to have a donated uterus transplanted into her body, or asks me or anyone else to carry a child for her.  And, that is okay.  She doesn't have to.  My daughter has always expressed a desire to adopt children that are difficult to find adopting parents for...not just a baby, but toddlers and older children, too.  I do not think that this aspect of my daughter's belief system and desire for her life's outcome is going to change.

Furthermore, I am pretty certain that I could never agree to carry my daughter's child in my body; not only do I believe that my age would negatively impact this experience, but I also really have no desire to carry anymore children in my tired uterus.  I have been pregnant at least seven times, with 3 live births, 1 stillbirth, and 3 premature ends to a pregnancy.  My live births, and the stillborn, were long, tedious, dramatic, and painful processes.  It is okay that I do not want to give birth to anymore children; it is okay that I really do not want to do this for my daughter (she has never asked, and likely never will).  It doesn't mean I love my daughter less than a woman who would do this for her daughter.  My daughter and I did have a conversation about this topic, and while she thought it was sweet that a mother would do this for her daughter, she expressed concern about the mother's age and the issues that could arise, for mother and grandchild alike, during such a pregnancy. I also have to point out that even if I did not have my personal (and often horrific) experiences with birth, not wanting to carry my daughter's child does not banish me to the "bad mothers" bench.  It simply means that I have no desire to do this...nothing more.

A woman is not made complete by the existence of a uterus in her body; nor is a woman made complete by birthing a child out of her own body.  A mother's love is not measured by whether or not this mother would carry her daughter's child.  I believe the nagging thoughts that linger in the back of my mind when I read uplifting stories about uterine transplants and grandmothers carrying their grandchildren in their womb are comprised of thoughts about what makes a woman a "real woman" and what makes a mother a "loving mother."  If my daughter does not want to carry a child in her body, and she may never want this for herself, it makes her no less a "real woman" than women who would climb the highest mountain to give birth to a biological child. Additionally, if I do not want to ever carry another child in my body...grandchild or otherwise...this does not render me heartless, nor does it mean that I would not move mountains for my daughter.

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